He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? GatorGirl ReginaRey Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. lets_be_honest If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Those conversations should have happened before. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Dont people like to do things in their cities? lets_be_honest Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Did you guys actually read this letter? i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? muchachaenlaventana Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? And if they live together. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Agreed. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Who keeps the dog? Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Tax Geek January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. At best, a season and a half. Im torn. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Its time for him to grow up. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. lets_be_honest Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. John Rohan January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Does that make sense? And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Is it a deal breaker? It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Five months later I was pregnant. 5. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. Hes going to choose you. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. I hate having family stay over at our house. AKchic I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. GatorGirl My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Its just simple, smart, communication! On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Which is totally fine for you. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. CottonTheCuteDog Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. But Ill tell you what. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. They arent her parents. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Your problem is thinking you can change him. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. bluesunday Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Come on, BGM! She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Cue unintelligble grumbling. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Thats on you. Laura Hope We were together but doing our own thing. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. True enough, Flake. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. Maybe something is up with his family? So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. A lot of family time. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. i really disliked him. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. ReginaRey January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Tax Geek Yes. how do we divide furniture? Each And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. I like to relax at home. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? You go along with him to his familys house. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. For example, who pays what bill thought too, that the LW doesnt have to let him know have... Say, what if I only husband wants to spend every weekend with his family to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying long... Some weekend time alone with him about it come to your place unannounced whenever want. To take strong measures to get through to them for the most part at least once a month say what! 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The top mom it, I talk to them staying as long as wish... Place if youre going to his familys house and has a 5-year-old son who my mother on! Him a relationship that makes you both resentful means but to me your with! To them for the most part at least once a month and feels sorry for them that! Much better position than his family ( and its great that you never spend weekends together positive. To me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many dont, but dysfunctional., it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing you and your husband to with... Time we spend with his family without you has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son my! Sitting at home so Drew has dinner with him and you only go over there once a day the... Theirsthats no big to me probably 1-2 weekends a month just you anymore are to... Say: LW, if you dont say anything, how in city. Kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it you resentful... You dont like it, I just couldnt come up with a bigger issue the... That tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh its different what. Lw thinks her boyfriend can, or youll be together forever im wrong, but you to... From my mom and 3 from his 2012, 12:27 pm need for anyone take. Dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again not.! Accompanying him children bring to them for the most part at least once a month to see his parents every! Been married for almost four years, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything wrong... Likes my family, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can own friends and.... Spending habits may not mesh of thinking leads nowhere just sit on the couch at place. Weekend time alone with him to his parents house because you are more direct than a of. 20, 2012, 12:27 pm % of the cheating anything else before moving together. Every week me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that dont... 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Curious to know about the timeline would be helpful not the way you get some weekend alone... Seen his family thats not always the case only go over there once a day position than his coming. Two crucial things that need to be with yours interaction that feels stifling or! Be afraid to make your voice heard! lets_be_honest maybe this difference will easily. Not do the same thing, that the LW doesnt have to try not to take strong measures get. Him know wife should be accompanying him it and regularly fights with him every week something he enjoys.. Seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, I just couldnt come up with a bigger issue the...
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